Finding Sanity

519


I watched James carefully as he cleaned my wounds.

"And here I thought you had given me all of your razors"

Smiling a bit, certainly not afraid of what I had done, I replied, "well I always have a backup".

"Don't you trust me Maria?" There was a tinge of hurt in his eyes that triggered the guilt to start flowing.

"Of course James, you know I do, but sometimes I just need to cut. You know how it is."

"I still wish you wouldn't."

"At least I'm not trying to kill myself anymore." I laughed; he didn't. While he began bandaging my arm I kept my mouth shut. James was the Simon to my River though we were definitely beyond a brother-sister relationship and since I wasn't family I felt as though I was an unnecessary burden. Even so there was a light to all of this because James enjoyed taking care of me plus I kept him company, when I wasn't getting under his skin. Though all in all my illness was finally useful for something: keeping someone else sane.

"You're all set." I made myself comfortable on the bathroom counter while James put the first aid kit away.

"So James how was your day?"

"Besides coming home to a bloody mess? Boring." We both laughed and I jumped down from the counter then placed my arms around James' neck.

"Ah James, where would I be without you?"

"Probably dead." I smiled even though he was exactly right. He gently kissed me on the lips then inquired about dinner.

"What about Chinese?"

"If we had money for take-out."

"Aww, please."

"Maria we are low on funds plus we have plenty of food in the kitchen." Taking my hand in his James led me to "our" kitchen so I could see that he wasn't lying. I made myself comfortable on the kitchen counter this time. "You know we do have chairs," he said smiling at me.

"Chairs are boring."

"And yet their purpose is for us to sit in them."

"And yet my purpose isn't to sit in them." James searched the pantry contemplatively.

"So what is your purpose Maria?" This question irked me a little.

"I don't have one. I thought that was clear." James took his head out of the pantry and looked at me solemnly.

"Everyone has a purpose."

"Well I'm not everyone, so I guess I don't fit that category. Which wouldn't be a problem if you had let me die." He came over to where I was sitting and hugged me, tight.

"I care about and love you and believe you have a place in this world, that's what I didn't let you kill yourself. That is why I'm here now." I hugged James so tight as if letting go would allow him to disappear.

We stayed in the embrace for at least five minutes, until I felt it was safe enough to let go.

"So what about stir-fry? I think we have a kit left in the freezer." I smiled and nodded. "Great," he said before heading to the freezer.

Maybe I was wrong, perhaps it was James who kept me sane.