Playing with this doll's strings and singing novel lullabies that aren't up to par when the sandman awakens. For as consciousness alters, souls fall deep into the abyss showing that contrived tales are fallible knights of straw. And with each high noon pieces continue to fade while cries are masked behind an apathetic face, to ever deaf eyes.

Lorraine

He had his hand on my left cheek, fiery and firm. Avoiding the gaze of both him and my date I waited to be scolded.

“My precious Lorraine is this what you’re doing nowadays, hanging out with the likes of him.” The way Adrian emphasized him sent a chill down my spine. There was nothing I could say that would please Adrian and I was hoping that the cat wouldn’t be let out of the bag.

“Who are you,” Lucas inquired and protested simultaneously. Adrian removed his hand.

“Oh look it talks. Who I am is not important.” I mustered up enough courage to look him in the eye.

“Adrian, please.”

“What?!” His eyes glowed. “Lorraine don’t you think this brute deserves to be warned?” From the corner of my eye I saw that Lucas had stopped struggling with Adrian’s men.

“Can’t I be happy, just once Adrian?”

“But my dear you can only be happy with us. You destroy everything else, not on purpose of course; it’s just the way you are.” He was right and I fought to hold back the tears.

“Don’t listen to him Lorraine. You do deserve to be happy.”

“And she is Lucas, she just forgets sometimes.” Adrian moved to stand behind me, his scent of myrrh overpowering my mind. “You see this she-devil here loves feasting on hearts, figuratively speaking.” Adrian’s speech was more to me than Lucas. “I’m sure you’re a nice person, good willed and all, so try to see this as me doing you a favor.”

“A favor huh? Look we like each other alright and obviously you can’t handle that. Just go crawl back into whatever hole you came out of.” The dam had broken and the tears couldn’t be held back any longer.

“Well what do we have here? I think you made her cry Lucas. Oh I will be going soon enough and Lorraine will be coming with me.” Adrian positioned his face so close to mine that I could feel his breathe on my neck. “Would you like to tell the oblivious brute what happened to the last guy that had a thing for you?”

“Please Adrian,” I begged again.

“Well then I guess it’s up to me.” He dramatically cleared his throat. “The last guy, what was his name again? Bill? John? Ah whatever. Anyway the last guy is now an alcoholic. She didn’t just break his heart she ripped it out of his chest and mangled it beyond repair. Isn’t that right Lorraine?”
“I don’t believe you.” Lucas’ counterattack was worth nothing.

“Lorraine?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

“A little louder dear, I don’t think he heard you.”

“Yes,” I said before burying myself into Adrian. He wrapped his arms around me.

“See Lucas, I don’t lie.” Adrian must have given them the signal to release him for his voice was so close.

“Lorraine, we all have our demons; let go of yours. Let yourself be happy.” I looked up, tear streaked face and all.

“Lucas, some of us are the demons.” Not being able to look at him any longer I turned my gaze towards the floor. “Your life will be better now.” Before he could protest Adrian stepped in.

“Now that you kids are done with your goodbyes I believe it’s time for us to go.” Putting his hand on my shoulder I walked with Adrian leaving Lucas behind.

I wondered if ending the relationship before it could truly start hurt him more than anything I would have done in the future. As if reading my thoughts Adrian said, “you did the right thing my dear.” Leaning into his body and getting lost in myrrh my mind stopped racing. I felt Adrian’s smile as we walked on.

The Diamondback

*Just a warning I'm not that great at dialogue, something I need to work on. And also I'm not discriminating against any culture or style in this piece just in case anyone thinks I am.


I was all dolled up which was awkward considering I hated make-up however it was necessary for where we were going tonight. That's right I was taking Jack to one of my dives and I felt a certain sense of honor since he always introduced me to new places.

Just doing the finishing touches the doorbell rang and my heart jumped. I opened the door and there stood Jack in his usual dress with that lovely smile glowing on his face. "Hey sweetheart," he said as I hugged him tightly. "Ready to go?" Jack's voice was deep but not to the point where it reminded you of cheesy sex songs.

"Yep." I grabbed my bag and keys as we headed out.

"You look..." Jack paused searching for the right word, "different." I could tell he wasn't satisfied with that one for he added, "in a good way of course." My smile had turned into a smirk.

"Of course." Jack looked down at what he was wearing.

"I feel like I'm underdressed." Turning my head to the side I looked him over and realized that I couldn't picture Jack in anything else; this was his style and I loved him for it.

"Don't worry, you look fine." Truth be told I really didn't have a style of my own and resorted to wearing whatever I felt fit the occasion. I held onto Jack as we drove off on his cycle.

*****

"Hey beautiful, who's the looker you're with?" Impersonating French culture we gave each other a kiss on both cheeks.

"Margo, this is Jack."

"Well hello handsome and welcome to the Diamondback," Margo said smiling that flirty smile and pushing out her chest to bring focus to her corseted breasts.

"Why thank you." Jack had that dumb look on his face that most guys got when presented with a woman like Margo.

Their silent flirting could have gone on for quite awhile and I would have let it if I hadn't wanted to sit down as soon as possible.

"Any rooms left Margo?"

"Quite a few actually. I'd suggest number six suga. Want a dancer Bethany?" I definitely needed the entertainment.

"What's the wait?" Margo finally took her eyes off of Jack before answering me.

"It'll be about twenty minutes."

"That's fine."

"Alright," she wrote something down in the book, "give us five minutes and your needs will be taken care of."

"Thanks Margo, I'll be seeing ya."

"You sure will," she confirmed while eyeing Jack. I took Jack's arm in mine and headed to the rooms.

"Our needs will be taken care of?"

"What's the Diamondback experience without having a go at the hookah."

"Ah, I see." We both laughed.

"Bethany," someone interrupted. I let go of Jack's arm.

"Damien," I spat out sourly.

"It sure has been awhile."

"Well I've been busy." He eyed Jack unfavorbly.

"So I see."

"What do you want," I sighed.

"Just wondering. You see Beth," I cringed for I hated the shortening of my name, "you're barely allowed in here and you go and bring a guest that's unacceptable." I brought my eyes to Jack to let him know I could handle this for if I didn't he would've stepped in. I could tell he wasn't happy about holding his tongue.

"And what's acceptable Damien? Not all of our lives revolve around wearing fishnets and black eyeliner." He would have refuted my comment if the people nearby hadn't fell into a fit of laughter. I took Jack's arm again. "Now if you'd excuse us, we came here to relax." Walking away I could hear the others poking fun at Damien. "See Jack, told you you weren't underdressed."

"Haha, I guess not," he said while we down on the plush couch.

Seeing the hookah already waiting for us I said, "now all we need is our belly dancer."

"Belly dancer?"

"Of course, another experience of," we said in unison before laughing, "the Diamondback."

Satellite Angel

*The want is there but I'm not sure the need is. I'm not giving up just yet though. Try to enjoy.



Polished beauty taunting
Behind a glossy lens.
Zooming focus upon lips
Speaking silver tipped lullabies,
Upon eyes that
Forge connection
A link of pure illusion.
All set in silk skin
Too close to touch,
Where love is conjured
By such a performance,
Feeding
A broken reality.

*So finally wrote something. Thanks to RagDoll for sparking that motivation. I'm going to leave this one untitled for now so that phrase doesn't get too repetitive. Enjoy everyone.



English summer rain, that's what I imagined it to be as the April showers had decided to move to June. Sitting beneath the old willow tree I closed my eyes enjoying the sound of faeries playing and taking the drops that slipped through leaf security as blessing. A flash of lightening ripped through my eyelids and as the thunder rolled after it I was transformed, my entire being shifted to become a part of this phenomenon. Feeling a familiar peck on my cheek my eyes slowly opened as a smile washed over my face.

"Out here without me again?" Droplets from his spongy hair fell down Gideon's face and got lost in the soaking wet clothes.

"Sorry, couldn't help it. I didn't want to miss this if it had decided to pass like the rest." Gideon lightly nodded knowing the lure of Mother Nature's finest as I did. We both remained still basking in the pitter-pattering silence; this was us living dangerously.

Gideon then took my hand in his and we rushed into the open letting the cool drops bath us both before running and splashing and laughing. The moon glowing brightly above, bursting at the seams as we danced the night in the English summer rain.

untitled like a million things

Another poem that I happened to write today so it's not polished. Sorry about not updating story wise, the whole thing is still kind of in limbo. Ah well, enjoy.



I cannot give a thought
To forever,
The future being ever bleak
Yet there is comfort
In the unknown.
Plan after plan dished out
Like Prozac
To this melancholy nation,
And they keep hitting
Nettles burrowing beneath the surface
The spiders clawing away
As I suffer to betray them
Allowing the monotony of fabled certainty to
Kill their unborn sacs.
The collar being clasped
Just as solitude becomes love.
Infinite steel circle,
A ring of warped promise
To remind coming moments
Set by someone else.

waited till my last year

*This is the poem I entered in my school's literary magazine contest.



Mindless Conversations


Magilant talking tumors
Turning my gray matter to mush,
Mouths spewing
Petty,
Worthless
Information,
Androids gone awry.
Internal screams to tune them out
Yet the muffled voices boor like maggots
Into my mind
Wearing me,
Dumbing me down.
Temples pound with desire
To do the unthinkable
But the prison gates open
Releasing me to my coffin
Where voices cannot penetrate.
An underwater bed
Serving as a womb,
Purging my mind
And stilling my body
Forgetting all until the Siren
Sings again.

Season of Growth (cont.)

*Now I'm not completely satisfied with this part but I can always go back and revise it later. Unfortunately I didn't get that much further but there will be more to come I promise.



There was a killing silence between us for we didn’t talk on a regular basis. I searched my mind trying to think of something to justify my presence; Cathy saved me the trouble.

“Wanna go to a party tonight?” I had only been to one real party in my life and I had at least gotten a day to become accustomed to the people that were there beforehand. My social skills had become dull in the past few months and Cathy noticed my hesitation. “You don’t have to go if you’ll feel uncomfortable. It’s just some frat party, no big deal.” I decided it couldn’t hurt and maybe I’d actually meet some potential comrades so I told her I would go. Cathy smiled, a corner of her mouth rising higher than the other and as we left she lit a camel sending a scent of comfort my way.

Cathy introduced me to more guys than I could remember and I ended up calling them all Joe by the end of the night. The alcohol flowed as freely as the top 40 music however I steered clear of the flat beer. Most of the time was spent learning drinking games and card games that would never stay in memory. When the party started to thin out and I had to concentrate to walk I reunited with Cathy in somebody’s empty bedroom.

“Hey,” the word came out elongated and slurred when it was meant to be short. I ended up collapsing next to Cathy on an old blown-out couch while she finished off a square. Lighting up too more simultaneously I stared like a moth at the fiery red glow until they were separated. Giving up on talking we enjoyed the smoky stillness as the sun crept in through faded blinds.

Season of Growth

*This will hopefully turn out to be a short story, my first but I have faith that I will actually finish it unlike the countless novels I started. I want to give thanks to a certain group of people for the inspiration however this is the first draft so it won't be my best and I'd hate to shame them so to speak. Anyway here goes it and comments are greatly appreciated.




I was surprised to receive a phone call that first week of Spring Break and the fact that it was from Cathy made it even more rare. The only time we had talked was in our social science class, which was last semester as Cathy decided against the continuation. I remember that last day we exchanged numbers but I didn’t think anything of it.

Cathy was tough and experienced, the kind of person that would make it in New York even though they’d never been there. I on the other hand was a bit of a loner, not entirely out of want for I didn’t really fit with the personalities of others. The only reason we bonded was due to a commonality in our past, a shared experience that would never hold up a friendship yet by some slim chance it at least opened the door.

It was a Monday when Cathy called, I remembered it not for the fact it was the first day of the week for me but because of the vernal thunderstorm that shook the earth earlier that day. I had been taking a nap in my dorm which was custom as I had become a hermit my last year of high school and stayed on this first year of college despite my hopes otherwise. Usually I would just let my cell ring and check the messages while heading to class. I figured the image of me walking with cell phone in hand imposed that of importance of one who had plans even though the truth was I had none. It being break id didn’t need to image projection that no one cared about anyway. I was still holding on to high school ideals when everyone here focused on what was happening in their own world and anyone was allowed to get lost in the masses.

“Allo,” I said groggily when I finally reached the phone. Cathy and I talked for about ten minutes catching up on each other’s lives since fall semester. After all the sincerities Cathy invited me to see some indie film at the old gaudy theater downtown. Having heard good reviews on the film I decided to accept the invitation. When Cathy ended the call, ecstatic in her cool-tempered way, I changed into something more appropriate for outdoor wear, popped in the Postal Service to liven me up and waited for Cathy to call back.

Arriving at the theater Cathy and I watched the film halfway through before sneaking into another one. Our double feature ended and we decided to get ice cream at Cold Stone while the city lights began to illuminate the streets.

sisters

*Mix between a play and a story and was reading Hamlet at the time. Not great (okay it’s crap) but was a good exercise. Ophelia's sister is in purple and the servant guy is in blue.



"No...you're lying. What you speak cannot be true." I gripped the arm of the chair to steady my balance as I tried to wrap my mind around this fallacy.

"It is so. Ophelia is your sister." He stood there so solemn while he gave these words unto me.

"Ophelia, my flesh, when I a many times have had impure thoughts and now to know she is my blood. I have nurtured fantasy of us coupled and this moment you would tell me that I have dreamt of incest." This statue spoke again.

"I am most sorry madam."

"I must sit for the worst is to come." My golden orifices grew wild. "Ophelia, my blood who has grown close with a mongrel, the monkey on my back. Who has conjoined in a touch so enjoyed by humans. My brain burns with remembrance of those foul pictures."

Pause.

"Does she favor truth?"

"She is dim in these twilight hours however madam may I say in the dark or with the sun the oracle must be kept."

Pause.

"Does thou heed my words?"

"Hm, I mean, ay. Tis written more than a butcher's score ago and consecrated upon my birth. Upon hers."

Pause.

"Your work is done. Take leave." He bowed courteously and left me lone. "Such madness this is. Thoughts, thoughts. Thoughts commit no crime yet I share an unknown mother and father with this gothic beauty and I should be thrilled but demons haunt my being." I rose and made my way to the window.

“Bleak, bleak wintry hills that mirror my feelings. My dear, dear Ophelia whose surrogate mother I have grown closer to than thee. All that has been will turn to dust and I fear you are not ready for what is to come. Knowing danger only in play our destiny will be a strenuous burden upon thy soul.”

Pause.

“Oh wilted rose of glory how dreary petals still burn bright in the soul, igniting my being. Noble parents this, all that’s left of you, a memory so sweet but light. And your visages are but smoky shadows.”

Pause.

“Ophelia…the only tie to you dear mother and father! May your spirits guide me to keep my sibling chaste. My dear, dear Ophelia whose heart I pray will not turn hard when all is behind.”

Pause.

“We’re in Jove’s hands now. My task at present is to bring Ophelia out of the darkness (just to bring her into more). Lo before the storm comes that I feel in my bones.”

I want to put you in a see-through box atop my office shelf, that way there will be no surprises. I will feed you through a silver tube and take all the undeserved bounties you receive. A subdivision of identity theft yet I don't want to be you. Do not worry for I take good care of my pets even though you should only be an ant beneath my shoe.

just acting

“I love you Patricia. I have ever since I’ve read your writing. It’s magnificent; you’re magnificent. I know I can’t give you what Jo can. I’m not in college, I don’t have a job or a car but I can give you my utmost devotion.” I gently touched her face. “I can give you a love you’ve never known.” She was weak in the knees and the auditorium was silent. I turned to face my pupils. “That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you do it.” I crossed my arms and began pacing the stage. “Feel free to pull from personal experiences, ad lib if you must but do not stray too much from the original.” I paused in speech and step. “You will have a chance to do that at a later date.” Patricia was still standing there paralyzed. “Class dismissed.” As the students rummaged fro their stuff and chatted about my performance I walked back over to Patricia.

“So what’d you think?”

“Huh,” she said, slowly coming out of her daze.

“My performance. I know I could have done better but it was an improv.” She was finally blinking again.

“There was no true feeling behind that?”

“Of course not. I mean I tried to make it personal with real examples and all but it was just acting sweetheart.”

“Wow. It seemed so real.” I’m guessing I should have told her about what I was going to do beforehand. I just asked her to accompany to my class.

“Well that’s the beauty of theater my dear,” I said in a British accent.

“Yeah…” was the response I got instead of the intended laugh. It seemed that Patricia wanted to say a bit more but all she finally got out was something about lunch. I had a distinct feeling this wasn’t just going to be some lunch between friends.

“Umm…well I kinda had some stuff to do before tomorrow’s class and all.”

“Just lunch. Please.” She gave me the oddest look, well coming from her, so I couldn’t say no.

“Sure, I’m hungry anyway.” I was about to walk away so I could get my stuff but I had to say something first. “You sure you’re okay?” It seemed she had snapped back into reality again but I wasn’t certain.

“Yeah, its just Jo and I have been having problems and I’ve been needing someone to talk to.”

“Why didn’t you just say so Patricia? You know I’m here for you anytime.” I gave her a firm hug.

“Thanks.”

Letting go and holding her at arms length I said, “that’s what I’m here for.” Patricia smiled a little. “Let me go get my stuff so we can chow down and talk of course.”

cafe latte

I decided to go to the new café down the street. Never having a bad cappuccino I figured there couldn’t be any harm. Plus the prices weren’t overly high like Starbucks. Reading Wicked and sipping a French vanilla latte I pondered why the wicked witch of the west was green and since when did green symbolize evil. As my mind was multitasking I caught a glance of someone familiar from the corner of my eye. Looking up from the book, my heart fluttering a bit, I saw that it was Jane. I let out a sigh that it wasn’t Cindy but still diverted my gaze hoping she wouldn’t see me. Unfortunately my skills of invisibility were nonexistent.

“Heeeey,” Jane exclaimed walking up to my table, “fancy seeing you here.”

“Yeah, “ I kept my eyes down. She actually said hi to me earlier during my comp class and I swear she was staring at me the entire time. Now this. She sat down across from me.

“I was really hoping I’d get to talk to you alone.” Jane peered at me, her eyes booring through my book.

“Really,” I asked automatically while wondering when she was going to tell me to look at her. There was a pause of silence and I imagined that she had left. Speaking she ruined that dream.

“Tell me you love me.” This time I put down the book.

“What?”

“I’ve been thinking and you are the only one that truly cared about me. I’m sorry I didn’t realize it before but I do now. I just need to hear those words from you.” I kept my face calm, though I wanted to laugh, and took a sip of my latte.

“I will not lie to you Jane.”

“But I know you do. You can tell me now.”

“I,” her eyes lit up as he waited on bated breath, “I do not love you.” Surprisingly there was a tinge of hurt in her eyes. “You have a boyfriend.” Jane looked away for a moment.

“I know,” she said nonchalantly. I knew where this was heading.

“Let me guess. Either a) you two are having problems or b) you’re tired of him.” She returned her gaze to me.

“It’s not like that.” I took another sip of my latte.

“Really.”

“Well it’s not. I just, I just want something more than what he can give me.”

“I can’t satisfy someone who can’t be pleased.” A look of confusion crossed her face. “Anyway it’s too late. I don’t have feelings for you.”

“But you did for so long.”

“And all that is in the past. Hear me now, I would never go out with you if you asked on bended knee.” Tears swelling up in her eyes Jane walked away and I went back to my book.

the lead

So this was it, I finally made it. Broadway had been my dream ever since I had seen Cats at the age of ten, now it was my turn to shine. This play wasn't anything Andrew Lloyd Weber would write but all the critics loved it anyway. I Dream of Blue Roses, the play was called; innovative the papers said. The plot was about a girl who pines for home, the distant planet of Nibia, especially missing the fields of blue roses. A young man comes along, played by no other than moi, who is awfully tired of life. Learning the young woman's secret they end up helping each other cope with life addressing everyday issues and conveying a message of strength and unity. I'm not a supporter of the latter however it's just acting plus it doesn't matter, I'm the lead.

Oh and I can't forget my co-star, the lead actress Samantha. I mean wow, that alone made dealing with the neurotic director worth it. She as a true red head, well at least she seemed to be. I was always terrible at figuring that stuff out. Samantha was an authentic hourglass; women today defiantly didn't care enough to make themselves as desirable as they did back in the day. I grew up with Betty Page pinups hidden under my bed, betcha don't even remember Betty Page. Fancy that.

Today was opening night and everyone was running around with their heads cut off. I had taken an herbal sedative (it's legal) earlier so I was doing alright. We were all crowding back into the theater after a break from the torturous rehearsal we had jus a few hours before. Samantha caught me backstage, her hair in a tight bun.

"Ready for our big night doll?" She laughed nervously. Before Sam could answer I told her what she needed to hear. Letting down her fiery hair so it would flow on her shoulders I said, "you'll be terrific Samantha. Heh your beauty will probably captivate the audience and they won't hear half of your lines. And just remember I'll be with you all the way." She smiled, the fear fleeting from her eyes.

Sam kissed me on the cheek, "thanks Brian," and went to her dressing room.
A role on Broadway and it wouldn't be long before I would have the leading lady on my arm. Life was finally giving me my reward.

i want to sleep forever under the limelight because it has become too exhausting to keep these eyelids open any longer. even dancing to the Scissor Sisters can't shake this and foamy beds feel like concrete. words become jumbled and lose all meaning as they dribble off my leaden tongue. and believing in nothing means believing in everything.

today is the day that the itch becomes too much to ignore and i just want to be someplace else, anywhere but here. and even though in seven months the scenery could possibly change i know it will not be enough. this town is a failure and i'm trapped in it suffocating before i even step outside because i'm drowning in the dreams and praises everyone has for me, which wouldn't be bothersome if the world had something to give. so we give each other empty promises to improve one another knowing such things to be false and all i ask is to break away from the bore of seventeen years devoid of life. maybe it is just the loss of blood or the long stretch of six inch high alabaster because as the neurons shoot across my brain certain pathways are lost, killed by routine. does it hurt knowing your life is going nowhere?

New Year's

i'll start this new year off by knowing that friends are never true, love is just a joke, people are pathetic (well most), poetry is not always poetic and the weather is never stagnant. i'll start this new year resolving that no matter what i do i am always myself and that reading should become a part of my life again.